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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  May 27, 2011 1:00pm-1:30pm PDT

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it was -- it was the lowest point of my goddamn life. [ laughter ] but here's the funny part. a year later, they offered me double the money, and i took the gig. so... thanks for making this a good one. take care! thank you for listening, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com >> may 16, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central
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>> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. good guests tonight. tonight john ronson author of the psychopath test. i hope i pass. i'm going to tell you the deal. this is the deal. i'm going to break it down for you. last friday the bin laden story breaks from pakistan. that has everything. all the elements of a blow-out monday daily show. >> nbc news can now confirm that a stash of pornography was found inside the terror leaders lair. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: first of all nbc news can now confirm? nbc news can now confirm what we originally thought to be
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pictures of naked people wrestling. in fact, there was some talk in our morning editorial meeting as to whether or not it should be classified as erotica and then we saw a picture of a woman (beep) a horse. so we believe that at 1:12 p.m. eastern standard time this be straight-up porn. what a story! even before navy seals shot out his eyes, osama bin laden was probably going blind anyway. ( cheers and applause ) you like that, right? we came up with a bunch of them. this one is one of my favorites.
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come on! that's classy. anyway obviously we're extremely excited, all set to do this story. got all the materials we need to do this story just the way we like to do a story like this. we're very particular when we're going to take the time to do this kind of story. i got the paper to my right. the way i like it so i can flip it with my right hand. you know what i mean? my left hand is free. i got the video of the story queued up to only the part that works for me. i got 200 people watching. and then and then mom, don't come in. i'm covering a story.
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>> i will not be running for president as much as i'd like to. and i want to thank everybody very much. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: they're not cheering for the reason you think they're cheering. it's the kind of sound people make when a doctor says it's benign. the whole weekend was this kind of crap. we have the trump thing. that happened just late today. we'll probably have more on that tomorrow. maybe we could go look back under bin laden's mattress. but then, then... you like that one? but then this happened on saturday. >> one of the most influential ban he caners in the world and the possible candidate for' presidency of france is due in a new york court this morning, this after he was arrest and charged with sexual assault at a luxury manhattan hotel.
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>> jon: wow! you know you're in bad shape when your sex scandal comes out the same weekend as osama bin laden's, and you're the one that looks like the real (beep). ( cheers and applause ) that's bad. what did dominique strauss-kahn, who heads up the international monetary fund, a trillion dollar organization that wields an enormous power over developing nations, some would say in an ex-ploy tate tiff fashion. what did this fellow do. >> a hotel housekeeper entered room 2806 in manhattan. inside 62-year-old strauss-kahn allegedly came out of the bathroom naked, chased her through the rooms, forced her to perform a sex act and tried to tear off her underwear. >> the accuser currently living in the bronx. >> jon: are you kidding? what?
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that's like a live action metaphor. the head of the i.m.f.allegedly trying to (beep) an african. it's like he's posing for his own editorial cartoon. the possible french presidential candidate strauss- kahn or should i say the former possible french presidential candidate. well, it is france. he was caught trying to flee the country at kennedy airport. they had to pull him off the plane. the police are confident though that they have the right man after the hotel made picked strauss-kahn out of this lineup. . it's all right. i think we can finally get back to the bin laden story. that is the one that... but no. more presidential news.
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mike huckabee decides to announce his decision about a possible presidential 2012 candidacy on his show. of course he waits until the end of the program so first there was this. >> he is an outspoken rocker and a political commentator but above all he's a patriot. and a friend. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome ted nugent back to the show. >> jon: wait. what the... wait. what the... wait. what? there was just a three-day (beep) over a gentleman's rapper's controversial lyrics. >> this guy is a thug. >> violent gangster thug rap. >> who has a special affinity for cop killers. >> he does the usual rap stuff. touting guns. their anti-social behavior snop actually he raps about the opposite but whatever. you cap off barack obama is validating a threat to the nation week with a warm-hearted
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embrace of this? >> if you're obama, you might want to... ( cheers and applause ) obama he's a (beep). you might want to ride one of these. >> jon: if i'm common right now-- and i'm not-- i'm sitting at homeworking on a new song called what the (beep)? no rush to judgment. maybe this is a time perhaps where mike huckabee can have an open and honest conversation with ted nugent about violence in lyrics and how different communities can misperceive attention. i think in the business they refer to this as a teachable moment. >> we're going to rock out with a little ted nugent special classic. ♪
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>> jon: in case you had trouble for those lyrics let me play it for you again with the closed captioned. >> jon: my impression of the closed captioning typist. is this the network that freaked out? what the (beep) is that? by the way talking about not knowing how to build suspense to an announcement. if playing back-bass on a family show isn't tantamount to saying i have the family. >> i'm a believer and a follower of jesus christ. that relationship is far more important to me than any political office. all the factors say go but my heart says no. >> jon: governor, governor huckabee then added (ted y%iezqzq
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( cheers and applause ) welcome back. just this past weekend, my son and i are playing our new favorite game there.
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we pretend to be the heroic navy seals who took down america's worst enemy, a.k.a., our neighbor's labrador. the next thing i know there's a lawyer at my door serving me with papers. >> walt disney company is is looking to cash in on the osama bin laden takedown. >> it's been two weeks since the u.s. military raid on osama bin laden's compound but it took disney less than two days to reflect the trademark for the name. >> jon: you can't do that. you can't just take america's real-life heroes and turn them into this. although... but that is is awesome. i can't wait for the happy meal. putting a trademark is like trying to copyright the guys who stormed the beaches of normandy or putting a patent patent on patton. it belongs to all of us. not to mention disney filed its claim only two day after
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the story was released. part of our new ongoing segment, that was fast. you know what? i have an idea. i'm going to trademark the lion king. oh, it's trademark. then i'll just trademark the trademark. you use that thing all the time? i'm going to make a boat load. although disney isn't the only big media company making the moves. >> federal regulators today approved the purchase by comcast of a majority stake in nbc universal from general electric. this merger will create a $30 billion media company with cable, broadcast, internet, motion picture and theme park components. >> jon: thanked god. now if i have my cable go out and i go to a theme park and choke on a giant fried turkey leg right before i find out my favorite show got canceled i only have to call one number to complain. this monopoly is awesome. i don't know why this doesn't happen more often. right. because it's illegal. which is why it had to be
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approved by the fcc. the same people who freak out when boobs pop out of a super bowl or keep me from saying things like (beep) or (beep beep (. in fact, if i cover my mouth even just say like (beep) no one knows but they will get it and they will bleep it. part of the fcc's job is making sure that the media companies don't get too powerful or they might start doing stuff like trademarking the names of heroic military units for their own financial games. those (beep). you know, stuff like this. >> the merger would dramatically increase comcast's incentive and ability to raise prices, block competitive entry, force bundles on our cable systems and discriminate competing programming. for consumers this would spell even higher prices. >> jon: even higher prices. so what? i only pay $150 a month but i get 80 different versions of the style channel even though
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that's all there is on ever. except of course monday through thursday at 11:003 on comedy central where tv funny man john stewart puts his outrageous tonight on tonight's news. tonight's episode jerk-off jokes about bin laden. how how did this deal happen? well, the fcc's five-member regulatory board works kind of like the supreme court without the robes or the little hammers and not as many people die while in office. they voted 4-to-1 to approve the merger thanks in part to the support of fcc commissioner meredith baker. >> she voted for the deal and has since been outspoken complaining that the fcc's merger review process is cumbersome and takes too long. >> jon: good for you, madam commissioner. cut to the red tape to save time and money for the american tax payor. finally someone in government who is not just looking out for number one. >> federal communications commissioner meredith baker announced she's resigning next month to become comcast nbc
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universal's senior vice president of governmental affairs. ( cheers and applaus
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welcome back. my guest guest tonight is the international best selling author of the men who... his new book is called the psychopath test. the journey through the madness industry. please welcome to the program john ron sen. >> jon: thank you so much for being here. we're all huge fans of yours. we're delighted that you could be here. >> thank you for saying that.
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>> jon: the psychopath test. why, john, why? why would you put yourself in the way of psychopaths? >> especially because i'm a very anxious person. i suffer with debilitating anxieties to hang out with people who basically want to kill me. i'm the neuro logical of the psychopath. the psychopath knows no anxiety and i feel too much anxiety. psychopath are people who could probably.... >> jon: thanked god. i thought you were going host on that one. when you're with a psychopath, does he recognize his polar opposite? does he... is it like you know that movie bruce willis and samuel l.jackson, the super hero has to have a nemesis. do they see you as their nemesis? >> they see me as their play thing. >> jon: oh, geez.
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>> there's a fantastic guy in upstate new york who used to be the head of the haitian death squad. he's now in prison for insurance fraud in upstate new york. he got away with it because he was working for the c.i.a.. >> jon: thank god for saying he's in prison. now i just felt like real he'll upstate new york? he's just up there. >> it's all right. 12 to 37 years for insurance fraud so you're okay. more importantly i'm okay. when i turned up, he said... i was so excited. everyone would say wow you won't believe it. i put on a special green shirt. i got my haircut. i was thinking, oh, myed god, i come to find out this guy is a psychopath and he's so excited about meeting me. i don't really want people to like me. i was thinking this isn't very psychopathic. i've driven six hours from new
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york and he's not being very psychopathic. finally i said to him isn't that a kind of weakness that you really want people to like you? he said it's not a weakness. i'll tell you why. i said why? because if you can get people to like you, you can manipulate them to do whatever you want them to do. >> jon: psychopath. >> yeah. >> jon: how long did it take you to get him to reveal the face of the psychopath? >> about three hours. i met him about 15 years ago. >> jon: when he was not in prison. >> he was living with his mother in queens. he did this deal.... >> jon: really? >> he did a deal with the american government that they wouldn't expedite him to haiti to stand trial for war crimes but he had to live with his mother in queens. he wasn't allowed to go into manhattan. he would cry and had a misty-
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eyed look on his face. anyhow, i met him then. at one point during the interview 15 years ago he starteded pretending to cry. you know, i'm innocent of all the crimes. he was like crying but it was like kind of pretending to cry. it seemed like a very odd, you know, at the time i was thinking, i can't do anything with this guy because we're not connecting on any kind of human level. later when i was thinking, wow, is it true that psychopaths rule the world which is what psychologists believe, which is what the book is about, that basically the brain anomaly that psychopaths suffer from is the brain anomaly that affects us all. >> jon: talking about the book i was expecting everything to be the guy who has the bodies buried in the backyard. it's very prevalent and you work with them.
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they are... one out of 100 people. >> one out of 100 people, regular people walking around are psychopaths. say psychologists. 25% of the prison population are psychopaths. but 4% of corporate chiefs are psychopaths. >> jon: now once you know what a psychopath is, how do you not with everybody that you meet play the psychopath game to find out if... is this person human or pretending to be human to manipulate me to get what he wants. >> becoming drunk with power on twitter and people who give me bad reviews. you know.... >> jon: you see them everywhere. >> i started seeing them everywhere. this is something that happens lot with people. luckily i was just a kind of self-reflective author but criminal profilers who police believe and attorneys and parole hearings and so on.
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>> jon: everywhere. >> that's when it gets kind of dangerous. the psychopath test is this 20- point checklist. >> jon: tough take the test. i took the test. i'm happy to report i'm just neurotic. i'm telling you, what this man has given two years of his life to do, it would be like writing a book if you're deathly afraid of spiders. you've done an amazing service and put yourself through the test, sir. you are the highlander. the psychopath test is on the book shelves now. get ahold of it.
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that is our show, everybody. join us tomorrow night. by the way, it's late at night so i'm assuming by now that the interview i did with mr. bill o'reilly has aired or whatever version it is has aired. check it out on the webb. i hope i did you proud because (whispering) i think i did. here it is your moment of zen. >> mike huckabee is not going to be running for president, so, mike, enjoy the show, your ratings are terrific. you're making a lot of money. you're building a beautiful house in florida. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
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